That doesn't belong here

Professor Bang comes into my office. He is retiring, and comes to say goodbye. "It's been great working with you for the last 20 years." he says, or something else like it. Something that is appropriate to the occasion, "I hope that you continue to enjoy your time here."

I'm not good at 'appropriate' or 'sincere', but I bumble out my best attempt at it. "Thanks for all the help and advice you've given me." I say, offering my hand, "What are your plans for your retirement?"

Professor Jang walks by and sees the exchange. "Professor Bang," he says, coming into the office and grabbing Bang in an embrace. "We will miss you here while you are off perfecting your golf game."

I step back to let them hug it up.

You don't see a lot of hugs in Korea. It is one of my favourite things about living here. No hugging. Sure, you hug your kids, but not other grown-ups. Not extended family or old friends. And certainly not colleagues– even when they are retiring. You shake hands and give formulaic greetings. I like this so much about Korea, that it will be my new response when people ask me why I have come to Korea. "To get away from all the damn hugging!"

Jang looks back at me. "I would have though this warranted a hug."

"I wouldn't have thought you knew how to use the word 'warranted'."

He laughs and sits down on the couch.

Professor Park comes in and starts chatting with Bang, who has also sat down in a chair. This is the retired Park, he's been gone for years, and it is a little surprising that he walks in so nonchalantly. What's more surprising is that he is naked, apparently having just come from the shower. He is not the least bit self-conscious about his nakedness, like an old man in a gym locker room. It is so out of place that I actually look around to see that we are still in my office. We are. And though he is naked, his bits are conveniently blocked by random objects and selective camera angles.

"I plan to spend more time at tennis than at golf." Bang finally responds to Jang's greeting. "I'm not that old yet."

Park stays standing, doing old man stretches, network enforced camera angles agilely maintaining standards of decency.

"Then you will continue to come to campus to play?" asks Jang. "I would have thought you have had enough of the campus life."

"You can never have enough." Park says. "Retirement isn't all they make it out to be." As he lunges, his package swings out from behind the computer on the table, and is much larger than I was expecting it to be. And much more turgid.

I avert my eyes, turning my head back to Jang, as he asks of Park. "You still come to the gym, I see. "

"It's cheaper for retired faculty," pipes up Bang. He now has his dick out too. It's huge and veiny, and he is petting its head as if it were a friendly snake.

You don't see a lot of dicks out in Korea. Sure, you see them in the gym locker room, but not in school buildings. It's one of my favourite things about Korea. I won't mention it though when people ask why I've moved to Korea. It seems a little too graphic for casual conversation.

"Can't you guys put those things away." I say. "I realise you are retired, and that rules don't apply to you any more, but isn't this a bit much?"

"What? This?" Bang asks, holding up a beer he has in his other hand. "I always drink in my office."

"This isn't your office," I mumble, looking back at his snake. It winks its one eye at me. Turns out that I was mistaken. It actually is a snake.

"Stop that!" Jang scolds it, swatting it on the head. It hisses at him. But Bang concedes with a hearty laugh and tucks the snake back into his pants.

Kim comes in and sits on the couch by Bang. He looks sad, and says to Bang "I hear you are leaving."

"We all knew it had to happen, Kim," he says, "It'll happen to all of you."

Kim looks up at me, still gloomy, "I don't really appreciate your caricature of me."

"Caricature?" I ask. "You mean that blog post?"

I am surprised that he has seen it. I try to think back to what I might have written that would not be taken as just playful nonsense.

Then I remember that I had not even posted what I wrote on him, thinking it could be taken the wrong way. But then what could he be talking about? This post? With all the dick talk, I can't post this one either.

And finally, it is this, not the hugging, not snakes and beers and retired Professors appearing naked out of nowhere, that clues me in that this is all just a dream.